Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
too bad you live with your parents still
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
