____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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