i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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