ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I want to fling myself into the sun
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
