my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
