I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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