She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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