my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
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