Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
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I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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