Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
