Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
