capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
