I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
