well I can't set my house on fire every night
My cat gives me a boner
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
sarcasm needs its own font
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
