Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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