In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
