I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You may now shotgun with the bride
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
