She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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