Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
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But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
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So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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