You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
