All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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