Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
