hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
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It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
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Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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