oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
