R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I could make wine with my vomit
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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