Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
