just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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