Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
