I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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