So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
