I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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