OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
