Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
This gyro tastes like lonliness
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You are a genius and a whore.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
