Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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