I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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