I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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