I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
