I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
