the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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