I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
