When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We had to coat check the pizza.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
