So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
