You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
