Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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