I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
