I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
