what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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