if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
