She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
