I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
