I CAN MOONWALK!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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