saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
