Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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