Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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