So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
