totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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