Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
