i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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