So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
