My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
