at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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